I have been seeing a school counselor for my crazy thoughts. To put it briefly, for the last few years I've been having thoughts that the world is watching me. I've had thoughts that my family, friends, doctors, government agents, and the world in general has some secret interest in me. Sometimes I think they're watching me because I'm crazy and they need to watch me for potential detrimental actions; sometimes I think they're watching me because I'm amazing and I will be a hero for humanity. The reasons for watching me are few and varied, but it comes down to the world secretly watching me.. the tow-truck driver, my land lord... everyone is watching me and conspiring about me.
I know it's bullshit--I know people are too busy thinking about themselves and their lives for this world to be all about me. But sometimes I have those thoughts, and I severely dislike them--they make me feel very uncomfortable. So I've been seeing a counselor to help me get rid of them. Yesterday he said one thing which is the reason I am making this post. He told me to keep an eye out for things I might be trying to hide from people.
For the last... five or so years I've held a journal of my thoughts that I don't want to discuss with other people because I'm afraid of how they will judge me for them. Usually my fear is being judged weird or incompetent. I haven't had the best success with girls--I journal a lot about my failures and ideas on how to improve. I also journal about things like these thoughts and my long love-hate relationship with marijuana. These are things which I'm embarrassed to share.. but not things which I'll be imprisoned or institutionalized for. If future bosses/employers read them they might think I'm odd, but I don't think they'd turn me down because I'm not the best with chicks or I have weird thoughts sometimes.
So my idea is to start journaling here out in the public, and to use my real name on this journal. These thoughts are a vice that need to go. They make me feel very uncomfortable, and if one of the reasons I am having these thoughts is because of my tendency to reserve my thoughts, then it's time to share my thoughts publicly.
I'll ponder this a bit more. If all goes well I will change my public profile to include my name, and I'll start posting my personal journal here online.
My feelings at the moment make me think the pros outweigh the cons. The pros and cons of publishing my reserved thoughts:
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| help remove an antagonist of my mind's well-being | might make me feel more uneasy |
| people can comment and constructively critisize | people can ridicule |
| can positively affect relationships | can negatively affect relationships |
| this tool is much better for blogging |
I think I'll just have to try it out and see how it goes. Time to go for a walk!
S E X Y B A C H E L O R
I've given this a lot more thought, and I think I'm going to go forward with this idea. However, I don't think it's in my best interest to share everything without a filter. I must filter some ideas. The ideas I must filter are ones that I don't mind sharing with the right audience, but ideas that are so against social norms that they may have a strong detrimental effects on myself if shared publicly.
ReplyDeleteI would really like to share them, but my inhibitions are in strong opposition--I believe for good reason.
More thought--I'm not going to post my name.
ReplyDeleteMy bad thoughts have pretty much evaporated. I feel pretty uneasy/weird about it, and there's not a reason to do so anymore.